My boyfriend says he loves me... but has cold feet.

Shawna Leady

May 14 2015

Lisa sent the following email:

Lately my boyfriend has been making small comments about why are we getting married? When I look at him, he says I'm just kidding. The wedding was supposed to be last September. He said he wasn't ready as it got closer. So we had a serious talk about it and postponed until February of this year. Now, a few weeks before he is doing it again. Making comments about why we shouldn't get married and I don't know how to handle it.

He brings up issues like taxes. He just acts like our financial problems will get a whole lot worse. We already live together, we already have bills and everything, it's not like we would get more bills after getting married.

He said to me that he thinks I like the idea of getting married, but that it's not because it's him. We've been together for 8 years, he is the one who proposed to me, Yes I have been planning the wedding like crazy, but that's just what brides do. This is supposed to be an exciting time for me and he is making me feel so awful about the wedding being on my mind so much and claiming I am only excited about getting married, but not that it's with him.

The last issue is he keeps saying we don't have sex. That I don't grab him and turn him on enough..

I could keep going but I think I have said enough.... Just someone tell me what is going on. Your best guess... All I do is hold in how all this makes me feel, and I predict a huge fight coming because I can't just sit back and listen to it anymore.

Does he not want to get married, is this very normal? Cold feet, or something more deeper of an issue

My Response

Marriage is a very serious commitment and shouldn't be entered into lightly.

As a divorce mediator, I can tell you, there are many couples who shouldn't have gotten married.

If either of you is NOT ready, or not fully willing or able to make the commitment then DON'T DO IT.

Pulling the plug on the wedding is much cheaper and easier than going through a divorce, trust me I'm a divorce mediator.

Marriage is an official legal, emotional and spiritual partnership. If you are having financial difficulties now, it will not get better later. If you are not honest about what you expect from each other now, it will NOT get better later.

Based on the information you have shared, it appears as if he doesn't see the need for marriage because you are already living as a committed couple, but once you get married, it's official and both of you will be legally and socially responsible for each other!

Also, it appears as though sex is being used as a form of "power". Trust me, a healthy relationship needs to be based on more than sex.... You are each a valuable human being, not a sex object. Intimacy should come as a natural form of expressing love.... Not something that should be earned or withheld. If you are not doing "it" enough now, it will not be enough later.

My vote, take a break. There is nothing worse than getting married to someone who is not ready.

If being married is something that is important to you. You will need to consider if this is the right relationship for you.

Be honest with each other and let the chips fall where they may.

Wishing you every happiness,

Shawna Leady

The Mediator In Jeans