Graduating College - Should I stay with my boyfriend?

Shawna Leady

Apr 09 2015

In this episode, Shawna talks about life after college.

Question

My boyfriend Jake and I have been together for two years. We met in college and we are about to graduate in the spring. He says he wants to marry me, but I don't know if I'm ready. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to rush anything either. What should I do?

Response
You are very wise to consider your options and your "readiness" for marriage. You two are about to enter a rather transformative period in your life, by finding your place in the world, as individuals and as a couple. But before you make any major commitments I would suggest you take a "break".

Here's what I mean, talk to your boyfriend and let him know how much you love him, make sure he understands your feelings haven't changed and you feel secure in the love and friendship you two share. You only want to make sure you give each other a chance to be independent outside of the relationship, and before you make any serious commitments. You don't want to fall into marring him, because it sounded like a good idea at the time. You two need to walk boldly towards your future together. One of the only ways you can do this is by "dating" other people. With the intention of find your identity outside of the relationship. In college, it's so easy to create your own relationship bubble. Taking a break will help you see the world.

Before anyone makes a major commitment like marriage, each person should know how to survive on their own, by having their own friends and interests. This "habit" will help you have a healthier marriage, because you will not become a co-dependent relationship, instead, each person has the space to bet themselves and have a healthy support system within and outside of the marriage.

Now when I say, you should take a break and date, here is what I mean: Get involved with outside interests and involved with things and activities and groups that interest you. Go on at least one, platonic date, with multiple people, with the sole purpose of getting to know "new" people. This "break" is not intended to each of you permission to hook up with anyone or everyone. It does mean however, you don't have any expectations about finding a "new" love interest. Instead, it's an exercise in appreciating what each of you bring to the relationship.... If you do decide to get married later.

You don't need to have a chemical spark to go on these dates. If someone asks you out, say yes, even if the chemistry isn't there.... Use it as a way of building your friendship skills with the opposite sex. Not to mention, this is the perfect time to get outside your comfort zone. Make a commitment to at least go on one date at least once a week. When on your date, be polite, have fun, if necessary set clear boundaries "no sex". Get to know the "new" person for who they are... it's a simple experiment in getting to know all types of people. Each date will only be for a few hours, so there really isn't anything to lose. It might just be more entertaining than you think.

Then, set a specific time frame to "reconnect" with your boyfriend. Six months tends to be a good time frame. Just be committed to this dating experiment. At the end of it all, you may have some interesting stories to share. A NOTE OF CAUTION: This process has a way of showing the cracks in a relationship. It's better to figure out how to mend the cracks together or end the relationship before you get married. If either of you want to break it off before or after the six months, because of insecurity or jealousy, be thankful that you found out then, because the relationship would have likely ended after you got married. A healthy marriage is trusting and loving and allows for platonic friends of the opposite sex.

Wishing you all the best,
Shawna

If you are dredging or avoiding having a difficult conversation with someone and would like to know where to start, you can check out my online course entitled, “How to have a difficult conversation”. Feel free to click on the link http://www.udemy.com/the-fine-art-of-communication/?couponCode=Podcast15 to learn more.

Email your relationship questions to Shawna at: [email protected]. Be sure to subscribe!