Reasons Why Couple Argue and How to Turn it Around

Shawna Leady

Apr 16 2015

The three common reasons couples argue usually involves money, chores and time together.

If you are thinking about getting married, or you are a newlywed, these are the three areas you must get into the habit of talking about regularly. Unfortunately, most couples don't talk about these things, until they can't take it any more. And it usually sounds something like this... We don't have enough money to spend... you don't do enough around the house and I have to do everything! We don't spend enough time together or have enough sex!

But these arguments can be prevented, if both of you are willing to talk it out and work out a realistic plan that both of you agree to. Don't promise anything that you agree to do, just to end the discussion. It will only lead to more arguments and hurt feelings later.

Here's what you do: Make a list of chores that must be done. Determine what you are willing to do and how often you are willing to do them. In great degree each person has to let go of the need to control everything.

When it comes to money, you need to at least talk about your goals and what type of future you want for your marriage and your family. This is the exciting part, because this is the actual process, of building a life together. So, look at your current financial situation, which includes, debts, revenue and savings and brainstorm ways to address each. Keeping in mind your long term plans... of buying a house, going on vacation... whatever. Stay committed to that goal. You can include small rewards to celebrate the various millstones, such as reaching a savings goal, paying off a credit card, ext. Be honest, be committed to the larger picture and keep your focus. I know you will see something you have always wanted on sale, but if it not part of the financial plan you have built together, you will need to add it to your list, the next time you negotiate. I recommend having a money meeting at least every month, just to keep each other informed of your progress or any unexpected expenses.

Time together and sex is an important part of keeping your marriage healthy and happy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, just because you are engaged or married doesn't mean you can stop dating each other. As a divorce mediator, I can tell you this is an area that can lead to the "slow fade". Meaning, once you begin to neglect this part of your marriage, everything else can begin to give way to a growing disconnect between couples. So, what should you do?

Don't use sex as a bargaining chip! All to often, I see couples who have bargained sex in order to get what they want. In the end, the other person begins to feel manipulated and neglected. Sex should be a natural expression of your love and admiration for each other. That is why it is important to talk about your plan of attack in other areas of your marriage, so you will not need to sex as a bargaining tool.

Marriage is the most intimate and emotionally intense relationship you will ever have, and that is why it is so important to feel comfortable being venerable, authentic and honest with each other. If the other areas of your relationship are strained, it is very difficult to be vulnerable within your spouse. Each person needs to feel supported, even if you disagree and each person should be respected for who they are and what they bring to the relationship. Remember, there are reasons you found them so attractive and interesting.

So, here is the challenge. Think about your goals for your financial and household management. What does your future look like? What are you willing to do to help make your dream a reality? Be specific and be honest.

Second, agree to dedicate at least 10 minutes a day, lying next to each other, and tell each other what you love about them and why you are thankful for them, today. This is not time to talk about work, money, the in-laws or anything else for that matter. This is all about the two of you. Be honest, be sincere, and be grateful. If it ends, in getting lucky, all the better, but sex is not the end goal. This is simply meant to be time to connect. You need to make time to do this every day! When possible, you can increase the time you spend by another 5 to 10 minutes. But this time is non-negotiable, so no tech allowed! This is your time!!!! No one else's. Let me know how it goes!

If you are dredging or avoiding having a difficult conversation with someone and would like to know where to start, you can check out my online course entitled, “How to have a difficult conversation”. Feel free to click on the link http://www.udemy.com/the-fine-art-of-communication/?couponCode=Podcast15 to learn more.

Email your relationship questions to Shawna at: [email protected]. Be sure to subscribe!